For most of my life, I was a Good Girl (capital G, capital G). I grew up very shy, and my dad often referred to me as a wallflower. I hated to be noticed. I hid behind a curtain of my long, always so long, hair. I was anxious. I hid from the world. I spent most of my time reading, dreaming about doing the exciting things that people did in books, but never actually doing them myself. I got straights A’s, I did all the chores that the men in my family were never expected to do, and I avoided speaking my mind in favor of what others were saying (for fear of looking stupid). I did everything expected of me. I was the one no one ever had to worry about.
Then, I decided I couldn’t do it anymore.
I wanted to see what life was like when you weren’t committed to being perfect. I stopped playing the violin, which I had been classically trained to do since the age of three. I dropped out of all the choirs I sang in. I told people I wasn’t sure where I was going. I told people I wasn’t sure I cared. I became the first person in my family to come out as queer, the first one to tell my parents I wasn’t going to college, the first one to get tattoos.
I became a Bad Girl, capital B, capital G. I started to say what I was thinking.
I mourned the loss of the GG I had previously been. But I also knew I couldn’t go back. I struggled to feel like I belonged and had a lot of indecision. I effectively dropped out of college not once, but twice. I moved across the country. I struggled in a relationship with an alcoholic, someone I loved and one of the most talented writers and musicians I have ever known. I veered into dangerous BG territory, in danger of tying my dinghy to a sinking ship. I got fired from a job, saw a dead body, and bleached my hair. A lot of people let me down, once they found out I wasn't the girl they thought I was. It hurt.
But I also did amazing things with my newfound freedom. I learned the importance of making my own decisions. I made amazing friendships that defy conventions of age and background. I wrote some of my favorite things I have ever written, performed as a singer and went to concerts where I was inspired as a writer and as a person. I ran a half marathon, and further. I decided it was okay to balance my former self, with my present self.
After moving away, coming back to West Virginia was hard for me. I thought people would think that I failed. I thought that I had failed. But moving back to my hometown was my decision, and while I don’t plan on living in Shepherdstown forever, it was one of my best decisions yet. I found two new jobs I was good at. I went back to school. I turned a trashed apartment into a home for myself. I met amazing new people and strengthened my relationships with my family. I stopped bleaching my hair (which made my mom really happy). I was feeling sparkly again.
To the astonishment of my family, I have had girlfriends, and boyfriends. I love my tattoos, and I know I will get more. My mom hates my tattoos, and every time I get a new one, she cries. But it is my responsibility to live my life, not the one others think I should live. Today, I embrace all facets of my personality. I have a 4.0, and am in some ways, a nerd! I am passionate about the 25 page paper I wrote for my Russian Lit class last semester. I am also passionate about tequila. Today I am focused on doing the exciting things that people do in books. I enjoy partying with my best friends, smoking hookah, going dancing, going to Mass, blowing off my homework (occasionally), calling my Grama on the phone, and speaking my mind. I enjoy doing the unexpected. Sometimes, I still feel very anxious about my identity. Especially with some family members or friends, or my boss, I might feel pressure to behave a certain way, or to say certain things, or to NOT say certain things. But today, I am still a work in progress. I am working on balancing my inner GG with my inner BG. Depending on the day, either one might come out. And that is okay with me. I am learning that whether I am a GG or a BG, the important people (the worthy people) will still love me. And I will still love myself.
Hi Fiona! I loved reading your post. What a journey you've been on, and remaining strong and self-confident has given you the power to be yourself and have an "I Don't Care if you Like It" attitude, as Fey states. I love that and think it is great that you have found that balance. Honestly, I struggle with that sometimes. Public image, what people think of me (to an extent), and how I am seen by those who don't know me can stress me out sometimes. I think this is something we all work on, and I appreciate what you've said about it. The "tattoos thing" is something I struggle with, too. The world is changing, thank goodness, but people will still tell you how they feel about things we may do that they don't understand or agree with. Again, thanks for reminding me about the attitude Fey describes in her chapter, "I Don't Care if you Like It." I like when she says that just because someone doesn't like something, doesn't mean it is a horrible thing. This little section of Fey's book and your story of passion and courage has encouraged me to do something about the way I allow people's opinions to change how I do or view things about myself! You rock.
ReplyDeleteLike Emily said, that's quite a journey. I really identify with that shy-girl/nice-girl struggle. There are so many people I've made friends with who couldn't accept me once they realized I was more than just a "shy girl." Also, I've never watched Gossip Girls, but those gifs are perfect. Being a woman really is a balancing act, but even if you're still working on it, it seems like you're aiming to be the kind of person you yourself love, rather than anyone else--and that's probably the best way anyone can live. It's good having people that support you, but it's a lot more important to be proud of your own achievements. Honestly, looking at all you've done so far from an outsider's perspective, that's the thing that's the most impressive to me--how far you've come in accepting yourself. It's always a struggle, at least it always has been for me, but it helps seeing other people who keep working towards it.
ReplyDeleteHi Fiona! I like how your blog post cleverly used your sentences as links to the Blair Waldorf reaction gifs. How did you do this? I do love and respect a good gif game! As for the writing on your post, your mentions of being a “good girl” and a “bad girl” reminds me of Regina Barreca’s They Used to Call Me Snow White... But I Drifted. Barreca writes about all the “good girl” and “bad girl” tropes that existed in Barreca’s upbringing. I’m glad that you are proud of your ENGL 408 paper. I thought that it was really good! By the way, thank you for handing out the stick-on moustaches during your ENGL 408 presentation. I had a lot of fun with it!
ReplyDeleteHi Alexandra! I mostly used google to find my gifs, although I also browsed websites like tumblr and giphy. I think that using a lot of gifs from one movie or show works best if you are really familiar with that show/movie, because then you can search for gifs directly from a specific scene like I did. This can help relate the visual more directly to the content. In terms of how, I would just copy and paste the link for the URL of the gif, highlight the sentence I wanted to link it to on my blog, and then click the link button at the top of the page. I was definitely thinking about Barreca when I wrote this post, so I'm glad you saw the connection too! And thank you for the very nice compliment... I loved that paper and the mustaches and I am even thinking about submitting it to a conference, partly because of all the great feedback I got from my classmates. :) Cheers!
DeleteHey Fiona! I honestly reread your blog about three times--it’s so good! You did a great job with inserting the Blair Waldorf gifs. I appreciate your journey through self-discovery and self-love. It is definitely challenging to find that balance. But, you’ve found it and that is awesome! Sometimes we discovery the most about ourselves when we’re at out lowest, but it only makes us stronger! I also liked when you mentioned that it’s your responsibility to live your life and not the life people want you to live. That definitely hit home! Personally, I used to care so much about pleasing my family and making sure I was living up to their expectations. As you said, after while you get to a point where you have to put yourself first. That includes your wants, dreams, and desires. Everyone’s path is different and all we can do it be the best version of ourselves. And if people can’t accept that then like Amy Poehler says, “I don’t care if you like it”! Thank you for sharing and being so open about your life!
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ReplyDeleteI think everyone goes through a transitional stage in life during their late teens or early 20s. Eventually the world irons us out enough to force us to make a decision on who we are and who we’re willing to become. Your reference to GG and BG made an impression on me. It’s fun to prove to ourselves we are adults free to make our own choices. The most liberating experience ever is making the decision to do something we would never do if we lived or were with our parents. The cord has been severed and we are free to roam without a leash. It’s a great feeling. I think you captured that feeling well.
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